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Hard to Concentrate


its blessed, its scary.

in recent events, i have found myself more and more indulging in not neuortics, but foreplay that my harmones force upon me.

and in the same breath, i find my heart wanting nothing more and more to be with you.

sometimes, before i go to bed, i wish you were my first instead of this guy i barley know. i cry because i cant give you what you deserve. you are now forced to be my second, and it pains me.

because i want to be your first so, so bad. i want to wake up in bliss and all i want is for you to be happy. all i want is for you to be my family. for you to find yourself, in me.

i know what i will have you will continue on for the rest of my life. in my heart, i know nothing else is better than you. yes, you can be a dick. yes, you can be the sweetest person ive ever laid eye on. but most importantly, i just want to be with you. all of you.

and for the other one? i just want to fuck you till the seasons change. i can't give you my heart because its too hard. you ask all these dirty things of me, and stupidly, i fall in. and then, afterwards, i feel like a whore. my guilty conscious seeks in and when i reread the text..i feel silly. like, a fool. how everthing my mother taught me went straight out the door...

but i dont regret you. i dont regret what i did. knowing me, im going to invite you into my vacant home this week and fuck the sweet passion out of you.

this is all condricting-i know.

because i have this crazy deep trantic sexual relationship with a stranger.
because i have this crazy deep once in a lifetime relationship with my best friend.

its love and hate and i find it hard to motivate the other in what i want.

because what i want condrits the other.

i want to give my heart away-i want to love. reguardless of what is going on with my stablity and personal life and even after everything that i have been tested on (relationships/love/life) i still find the need to want to be in love. that im the happiest i can be, when im in love.

my sparkle for life reappears.

but i want that crazy passionate sex that everyone craves. i want that wantness and that craving to be touched. i want to be able to be looked at as if im the most desirable person in the planet..and i want someone to crave me. want my every touch and every move to be theirs.

i want them to concertrate harder on the obvious.
...i just want to be one. not two and most defantly, not three.

twice in one month.


the perception of love and identity keep playing with my mind.

one half of my brain tells me that i am so deeply in love with my first. the one that i know i will be with till the end of time. till earth has decayed and God will remake it all over again. I know, from the pits of my stomach, that our love, though not identified now, will clearly overpower any obstacle I have ever faced.

and the other half? That love is fucking stupid; everyone cheats. everyone lies, we all do stupid shit that humilates us and makes us all equally bad human beings. that we will also never be able to tell the truth; because we are scared. because we fear what they will hear and run. we are so scarred of giving everyone our alls and the aftermath of it.  were scarred that they'll leave and never return...

....& in my heart, everyone leaves. some go back away and never return. some stay and act like you never existed. war and college will come into play or stubborness and pride get stuck in the middle.

in my years of growing up, death was the only common friend i knew so well. death took everything i ever wanted away from me. it has prevented me from being with anyone else-in fear that as soon as i get close to people, they will leave me. granted, all the friends ive had ive known for years. but still-it prevents me from actually getting to know them, and in return, them getting to know the real me. the stubborn, the lovely, the hoplessly romantic, seductive cat fearing bitch i truly am.

"please, dont fall in love with me". it was already to, to, late. I had already fallen for him the night before we made..the "deed". Maybe it was the intestity in his eyes that made me thought i knew him forever. perhaps it was the full moon that stoned us both. probably, in the back of my mind, hes already fallen way before I was ever given the chance.  I cant remember his last name...it doesnt really matter, im not going to marry the guy. Sorry.  However, i can picture spending the rest of my summer with this guy. Its been a month already, I can take on one or two more. As much as i want to give this guy my all, my heart, i cant. I wont. because once summer ends, so do we. I go back to my life, and he goes back to his. Im going to work on the most important relationship that to me will last any summer fling....however, if he wants me (as in Leo) then, well...hes going to have to work real hard.

and fast. because were not having sex untill i know him. and he knows me. which contridicts everything i just wrote.

fuck.

june 6th over 12.

maybe it was the fire that was repressed in my viens for so long that made me tempations absoultly uncontainable.  absoultly unresistable. it could have been the full blue moon that rested on my eyes that gave it all away. my tears didnt give me comfort but the hands interlocked between each other gave me something i never felt before. the bitter taste of beer left his lips and i could feel him graze my body. every second was something new. every second i could feel my wall come down, faster and faster. and then my breaths were mulitpied and my eyes became moist.
there goes my innonences. there goes something i held on for so long. and after only hours of meeting someone, i gave him the only thing i never even knew how to give.
words were exchanged and the secerts of our first loves were what made us connect. he'd gone overseas. i was only in the grade. i tell him im just a baby, but he doesnt mind. "age is nothing" and i guess its true. my experiences are nothing like his-but they are no greater nor lesser than. we always make eye contact. are you single do you have any other conections, what about that boy down the street? in my heart-he is the only one. but with a smirk i throw it away and say im down for whatever.
and its like the bombing of pearl harbor all over again. what the hell is going on? im trying to remember but the days go by so fast. his lips soffocated mine and i could feel his hands pressure down my shirt and down my already open legs. ive never felt anything so great before. one became two and then three in seconds and before i knew it i was taking off his shirt. my breathing was uneven and my heart was throbbing-what are you doing?
and then my shirt was across the backseat. he was taking my bra off with one hand and tired to help him but he got it done faster than i anticpated. he kissed me passionatly and if love were to ever come across us-then we would be the happiest bunnies on my street. what do i do with my hands? fuck, what do i do with my hands. it was all so sudden. sucha blur. and then i saw his head go farther down and the intensity that was on my breats became unbearable. i couldnt breath, couldnt cry, felt no pain, only blood rushed to the head. it all seems like yesterday, not far away....and then hes head got farther down and i thanked my lucky stars for shaving that day. and then i could feel the soft murmurs of his tongue lick away my fears and i moaned even louder. my hands hit the car over and over agian and i could still hear my heavy breathings in my ears. though it was dark ive never seen anything more brighter than this moment. grasping and sucking like sweet melon fruit-the fear and passion in his eyes keep replaying in my mind and i cant seem to forget this face. like a lion on his prey.
his name is leo for a reason-he climbed over me, pushed my hips down and then after 5 long seconds, i could feel him entering me. i wanted to scream, i wanted to cry, i wanted to say so many things and run down the street. i saw a picture of my old buddy-and then i wanted to die.
but i didnt. i didnt do anything of this. i didnt even say no, or stop. instead, i moved forward. the pressure of his intensity was mind blowing. i wanted more and nothing more than his presence on my body. i could feel the motion going up and down, in and out, and i cried my dry mouth into his neck. scratched his back like a kitten. say my name. leo. say my name. leo. say my name. leo. it became irrestiable, his back, his neck, his shoulders, his legs, his lips. they fit my body so perfectly, and for a split second, i felt one with him. i felt completly attached like i was meant to be there. i guess its the huge reason why i never said no.
we danced in the backseat of his friends car for two hours and ever tear and ripe he did i got a little louder. i moaned with the vibrations of my body and he said it was alrite to cry. i didnt though. i couldnt.
and then i finished the night with my mouth over him. sucking him completly off and jesus i never felt anything more harder. it tasted funny but he said it was ok. he pulled my hair away and he was always the gentlemen. holding my hand the entire time. i could have broken a vien.
i couldnt believe i did all this. all so fast, and sometimes i wonder if i can go back in time. do it a lot slower, stop talking so much, wish i never layed like a dead fish outa water.  probably should have ran before this.
we got out of the car with our friends glares. it was rewarding. i could hold my own-thats for sure. we held hands and secertly in front of his friends, i held him...and he held me. it was troublesome, but risky. fun loving. we kissed each other the night away and now i can think of his hands. his lips. his intensity and his passion.
&&& this is where i want to be. in the summer of 2009, with the full moon grazing over me, in front of my best friends house. beautiful faces, where no one has a care in the world. where a beautiful boys loves a girl, for just a night.

your spanish lullably.

a notice of overdraft.

as i hold your head and will tell you everything you have ever done to me. i will dare your existence,  push every button you ever had, and i will smile when you fall.

but i will love you. i will cradle you in my arms and tell you everything i have ever known to mankind.

in the middle of street, i will ask you, why are fighting agasint this? tell me these years have meant nothing to you. convice me that you havent though about me once in the past month, week, day, hour. look at me and lie to me with your heart. you coward. are you saying you never looked at me like i was your girlfriend? tell you didnt stay up in the wee hours hearing my voice, over and over though the wire. i dare you to say you never liked those brownies on your birthday or the endless giggles we spent over in our spot during 5th period. or the way we walked to each others class freshman year. or how turned on you got when i yell at you.  how pretty i looked at prom. the day i asked you to prom, deep down, you wanted to say yes. but you couldnt. dont tell me you dont want me as bad as i want you. how in the late night you think of me making the first move. how badly you want to hold my hand when were driving. how cute we look when were reading twilight. how tempting my wet leg looks agasint your leather seat.how you know excatly what you want, but are too scared to get it.

how you never thought about the future utnil right now. how worthy it is to be in love. how envious you are of me how i never quit on you. how you wish i would just forget you like everyone else. how deep down, in the pits of the earth, you know that you want to fight so hard. you want to stick with it. you never want to leave my side, and you never want to give it up.

how your just as crazy as i am.

gripping your cheecks, i stare into your eyes. im only giving you one more chance. my one and final chance and i can feel our heartbeats going crazy and your gonna twist and turn tell me im dulsional, but i will hold on to you tight-as i always have. i will look at you so hard and tell you, I love you. I have loved you sense the very frist day I saw you. How my heart twist a beat everytime you walk by me and how the hairs on my back stand with a glimpse of your voice. how i have always pictured you my first-hand held, kiss, embrance, and love. how i can always see my future in your hands.

you twist and you turn in agony and i tell you i will stand by your side when you dont want me to. i will accept you for your worst and best, sickness and health, confusion and happiness. i will take you for all that you are, if you promise to just give me one chance.

you cant even look at me. at my best, you turn away. you cant believe what you have done. let a poor girl like me fall so head in love with you. your incapable of such duty and devoition and are unworthy of such commitment. of such honor.
i shake my fist in the air, tell you your all wrong. that i have left everything behind, because its not worth it. the sky isnt that blue, the rainbow just isnt so bright and the clouds are coming in. i will cry for days in agony knowing you will be gone for so long, but if im granteeded you at the end, it will all be worth my dreams. because, you are everything to me.

you are my gracious past. y my wonderful present, and god willing, my promising future.

and i hold onto your face still, so hard. rivers and oceans pouring down my face and i can see you break. it hurts you, it breaks you into pieces.

because you know this is all true. and you know your gonna break my heart.

before you let go of everything, i thank you for letting me love such a fool like you. i press my lips agasint you passionatly and so firm and before you have a chance to breath i walk away with my heart on my sleeve. i drop it and i leave it on the ground, hopping one day someone will pick it up.

im so sorry. your so sorry. you stand there in the middle, i always knew this was our calling

....and then i hear the steps. the running of the pavement and the tears flooding to my surface. i feel a grip around my arms and you pull me towards you.

i thought i lost you. i thought you gave up. i thought i gave up. i thought this would never happen. i was postive you were going to break me again. i was sure to hear the remarks and see the stares of my embarressing failure. i thought this day would never come. i thought you would never break.
 

but with one last brace, with one last touch, stare and beauty... i lost nothing.

 

never gonna dance again.

im really afraid im never going to dance again. im terribly afriad that he has the best of me and my once ever so vibrant personality is now decaying, demlishing for all she is worth and is now is nothing left but a pile of ashes.
i cant dance the way i use to. the way the past and present use to whisper in my heart and vibrate through my viens. ive got this guility fear that i put away and pretend. this fool lies in me and the music seems so loud. i get so lost and i hurt him with everything i know how.

now, whos gonna dance with me?

please.

im never going to dance again-not the way i use to.

twirl

spin. spin. sping. my life is sping sping all in a spiral filled with love lust infactution, and often i find myself with this needle in my hand trying to figure it all out before my mind does. i try to solve the crimes my brain cant digest. i see this picture of this girl, she was so happy. smiling. smiles. smile. it was the best cure, the best feature on her face. she looks at herself now. dying. dead. death. when shes not with it shes loses her mind.
she asks for more. hit me again, coward. hit me again, hit me fucking again till i can fill this luxury up my viens. let me feel alive let me hear the pretty things you only tell me when im inhibrated. tell me all these lies i always seem to enjoy. rush rush rush up my blood, it pounds it breaths it excapes into my thoughts.
show me what you want it to be. show me the life i could have lived but only dreamed. i washed it all away with just a hit. a simple hit but i dont care. hit me baby, hit me one more time. i like it when im blinded, i like it when im on the ground asking for me. i love it when your the only thing controling me because i can simply not contain myself. my lonliness is killing me, i must confess.
why am i sinking. im falling, im drowning, i cant see its all turning into a grey cave, who the fuck are you? get off of me stop hitting me, who are you? who am i? how did you get here and who let you in? stop it, im not confessing anymore. why are your fingers all at me, cut it out. i mean it. i meant it.
whipe me off. take me tears away and put them in your jar filled with memories. im sorry im not that girl anymore. i just wanted to make my dad proud of me again. i just wanted to feel alive like the last time. im not a bad girl. im not stupid, i swear, my mother taught me so much better than this. i was tall once, i was never so short with guilt and sadness. i didnt do what you think i did. caught between desiree and faith, loyality, this is fucking killing me.
but its killing you just as bad. i wish you saw me, see me crumble to the ground into pieces. baby, how was i suppose to know? you shouldnt have let me go. i can feel this coming, i can see it near me, you cant undo your faith, my sheets and this surge are my only friends.
hit me one more time, let me feel this excruitating joy before i go. let me arouse in my skin, let me dance one more time. enjoy myself, crese myself. let me become numb before this all ends. now your all a side. you shouldnt have shown me this, you did this not me. im killing myself, but i still believe, i lose my mind when im not with you. give me a sign.
hit me one more time, baby, before i twirl into a never ending rabit hole.

hi, alice.

gimme gimme so much.


And ill do whatever just to keep you. Have you here and pretend all this nonsense never affected us. Turn me on, with the eyes of a lion. Target. Pause. Rewind. Lets go back and rewrite our point of views. You got my attention. I’m ready for love, ready to lose control, no other touch, no other smile, no other kiss that can resist this. No feelings that I can’t resist they always lead back to you.

Bump, bump, bump, thump, thump, thump. Feel it, breath it, exhale, and accept. Can you hear the noise? Cut it out I cant hear a thing, I CANT FUCKING HEAR A THING, shit, where did we go? How did we get lost in this madness turned corruptness and suddenly fall apart? How did we die and who brought us back together? Who said this was necessary and why cant we just die already? Why cant we forget each other and say it was fun while it lasted, goodbye to you.

Goodbye…Goodbye.

It’s the only thing were good at.

show me.


and overall happiness blushes my face. i cant feel the ground and im so high in the skies its like my birthday all over again.
18 candles never let so perfectly. so beautifuly.
and you walk in. roses in your heart, say your sorry all over again, cant help but crawling back where you know best.
you know im gonna cave in. you know im gonna let you in all over again. you know im gonna go back to where we started.
and its like every other year.
we stop. we begin. we pause. we press play.
and this time, all i wanna do is fast forward.
ive been waiting for you, asking when i can stop being confused.
asking what your looking for, destory everything i know so well, just for you.
but thats not good enough. it never really was. we just like to waste each others time, and tell each other that were ment to be friends. we cant live a day without.
but its nothing, we've havent heard.
lemme tell you a secert. i cant be friends with you. i cant. because in the back of mind-your always something i want to get drunk on. something i crave, need, disree, so desperatly and completly urge to have.
but you just like to get tipsy, and thats never enough.
its never fully enough.
the glass is always half empty for you. me? its always way to full.
but i ask for seconds. and thirds. if they guarenteed me you.
i wisk away into the mountains and the saharas, if you were there in the end.
i cut off all my toes if they bothered you.
i quite my dreams, just to know you be there. always.
 

but im not going to do those things. even if you did or didnt mind. im not going to do a damn thing anymore. you once advised me to go my own way. then, i couldnt see how i could do such things. now-i cant see going any other way, unless you crossed my path.

your right. i do love you. but not how i used to. i was so lost in your love. now..im just lost on my own.

i love you buddy, just not anymore. not in that way. i hope we can be friends again-but its just not ment to work that way.

im so sorry.

and...

and it slips. it decays. we watch, we point fingers, but most of all, we laugh. we look back at the vague-ness of it all, and tears are pouring down.
i dont regret much. i still dont. i hide my personal life very nicely, because of these events that unfold. and when they assume i just seat there. and watch them. very vividly. i yell in my head
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS. WHAT DOES IT MATTER. SHUT UP. STOP IT. WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING? this means so much more to me than it does you.
i want to say outloud though. fuck you. fuck you and your high and mighty morals.
we drink. we dance. we sing. we steal.
these habits do not entale who we are as human beings. these habits do not reflect on who we are as indivuals. we are who we are. and as friends, you must respect that. its only right.

and the last of days are coming to an end. were all going our own way, leaving what we thought was the radest and badest thing we ever done to memories in the back of our heads. 
and everyone thinks they have a right to voice. everyone thinks they have the fucking right to seat here, on there badass computer chairs, and say all this shit.

you know, i was there when janelle got expelled. i was fucking there. and she told me she confessed. i fucking saw it with my own eyes. i was so scarred shitless, and now the last picture i have of her is in a chair. pittless.

how dare you. how fucking dare you take away my friend away. my sister from a theatre mister. i have seen janelle grow so incredible much throughout the years and have improved so beyond my words, and now she has slipped through my fingers. my friendship with her will always be what it has been-a gracious one. an epic one to say the least.

and its not over. you didnt just take away her, you took away the greatest people ive ever met. my brothers, and my sisters. people who minds were so utterly beautiful and now thats that.

im not alone, but i sure am lonely.

and these people im stuck with-really? REALLY? fuck this. they look at me as if im just another suspect. im really nothing but a hard piece of steel to them. im easy to throw away. & i know one of them is "happy at what they got"
well, you know what? fuck you. take that hard piece of shit you call a HEART and shove it up your ass you fuck. because you ever got the chance to get off your high horse, maybe you would realize these people, that this weekend you called FRIENDS, actually are really good people.

im not mad. im not dissapointed. just heartbroken. because i use to go to theatre for fun. for love. for these people. and there no longer there. so..why should i?

cant get it on.

together. we cry. we laugh. we dance, and we sing. but most of all, we hurt. we die. we look at each other, and there is no longer anything there. we waste. we enjoy. but most of all,

we lose, and we love.

it seems like this all we ever do. we dance around in a circle, tale-gating each other. see who will crumble first. see who will shed the first tear, or who will throw up the first fist.

its all we ever do. its the only thing were good at.

it sickens me. its crumbles me. it devours me. it nourishes me most importantly.

and the apple does fall to far from the tree..im just like my mother, and your just like your father. we are our own worst enemies, and i cant even begin to start.

were not mad or bad people. together we just cry in a tunnel of self sabotage and pitty. together we use to bring out the best. together it was us and no one else. together it was the world, and the clouds, and we were the sun.

but now the rain is falling, the bird has to fly, every rose always seems to die.

i cant look at the clouds anymore, i cant begin to tell you im so sorry, but thats just a lie.

what happened to us? how did it get here, and who instigated it? whos holding the mirrior, where did you go, your to far gone now, i cant begin to search when i dont even know where to begin.

and your there. seating there. looking at the obvious, laughing at the ridicioulousness. in your dreams you care, so much. it breaks you, and you have nothing to stop you. just pride. just guilt. just above all rudeness. you lye there. you cant fly anymore.

dont hand me anymore roses. dont hand me anymore messages through your eyes. dont spread your wings and fly back to me.

together the only thing were good at is cry.

i cry.

you cry.

together, we cry.